The Turkish novelist, Orhan Pamuk, once wrote:
“It was the happiest moment of my life, though I didn’t know it. If I had known, if I had cherished this gift, would everything have turned out differently?”[1]
Why is it that the happiest moments of our lives might escape our mental radar while we are experiencing them? Depending on who you are and what stage of life you are in, you might have already lived through your best moments. If you were not fully aware of the significance of these events at the time, you might have undervalued them. This probably sounds depressing, but it is not my intention to discourage you. Rather, I aim to make you reflect on your relationship with time and how consciousness interacts with it. As with most things, there is a silver lining.
How the present is experienced is to some degree a function of our expectations for the future. For instance, if I find myself in agonizing physical pain because I hit my big toe, I can manage the uncomfortable sensations, since I expect them to subside quickly. On the other hand, if I suddenly experience intense and sharp pain in my right abdomen, I might go into panic mode, because I do not know what to expect; infection, cancer, appendicitis? Approximately identical pain sensations can engender different perceptions and levels of stress and fear depending on the interpretation.
Furthermore, in the latter moment, it might feel like the worst experience of my life, but when I later discover my pain was due to digestion issues, I’ll probably reassess the meaning of said experience. A moment can also be full to the brim with positive emotions but fail to be registered as the miracle it is until it is too late (more on this later).
However we cognitively and emotionally evaluate something we are experiencing, this evaluation — tacit or conscious — may be altered when the future arrives and becomes the present.
The Past and the Intricate Mind
We often think of the past as something fixed and finished. “You cannot change the past”, we are told repeatedly, usually when the memory of an event is stirring up negative thoughts and emotions. Yet, the present continuously shapes the perception of past moments and events and the meanings we ascribe to them. This makes the past, in a sense, flexible and malleable.
Everyone knows how light bends — refracts — when it moves through water. This happens because water is more dense than air, causing light to move slower. In a similar vein, when events of the past move through a mind that is depressed, for instance, they can become altered; experiences from the past seem warped and alienating. Or when the mind is tainted by grief due to the loss of a romantic partner, flashbacks of intimacy can become so intense and vivid that they leave no room for the present and the future. A humbled and wiser mind may reconsider the value of an experience, a relationship, or an event. This subjective reinterpretation underscores the dynamic nature of memory.
Ignorance of the Future
As our minds and who we are unceasingly develop through new experiences, so too, do our perceptions. Moments from the past may therefore obtain new meanings, overwhelming us in the process, possibly confronting us with past naïveté and arrogance, wishing we had reasoned and acted differently when we still had the chance.
Orhan Pamuk writes,
“In fact, no one recognizes the happiest moment of their lives as they are living it. It may well be that, in a moment of joy, one might sincerely believe that they are living that golden instant “now,” even having lived such a moment before, but whatever they say, in one part of their hearts they still believe in the certainty of a happier moment to come. Because how could anyone, and particularly anyone who is still young, carry on with the belief that everything could only get worse: If a person is happy enough to think he has reached the happiest moment of his life, he will be hopeful enough to believe his future will be just as beautiful, more so.”[2]
As mentioned in the beginning, the way we relate to current experiences is influenced by held beliefs about the future. According to Pamuk, the innocence that permeates the human mind, especially a young mind, goes hand in hand with assumptions about the future that can make one underappreciate present miracles. Due to intrinsic intellectual and emotional shortcomings as humans, we risk not acknowledging experiences for their potential significance.
“Ignorance is bliss”, the saying goes, but the problem is that one cannot remain in a state of not knowing throughout the course of life; existential crises and loss will burst the bubble of innocence eventually, inevitably forcing one to confront his or her life, its inherent choices and decisions, and one’s perceptions. Unavoidably, some beautiful things will only be perceived for their true value in retrospect.
But one thing is being naive about the present and the future, another is the arrogance, which so often accompanies ignorance; believing one knows more than he does. In this case, thinking one knows the future and has control over it.
I assume everyone who has moved on from the tumultuous days of adolescence has realized how often they were wrong and naive about things. Stumbling around as a teenager with an underdeveloped brain, still cuddled within the warm and secure family nest, we knew so little about ourselves and how the world functions. Yet, we were so arrogant when our parents offered advice, foresight, and caution. How arrogantly we believed we had things figured out; how delusional we were.
In my observations, it is as if arrogance is inversely proportional to ignorance; the less we know, the more knowledgeable we believe ourselves to be. In psychology, this mental distortion is called the “Dunning-Kruger effect”.[3] And arrogance can be costly.
Love
Perhaps there is no greater euphoric peak than the one reached in love. It is therefore no mystery why loss in love due to naïveté and arrogance can be a painfully bitter pill to swallow, as the cliché goes. I have had the privilege of loving intensely and deeply, like many others. But in hindsight, I took some love for granted, because I at that time did not, and perhaps could not, realize how truly profound the moments with her were.
As Michael Jackson sings,
“To think for two years she was here,
And I took her for granted I was so cavalier,
Now the way that it stands,
She’s out of my hands.”
I was also seduced by hedonistic visions of the future and directed by the belief that the best was yet to come, or at least that the best could still come. It may very well still do, but the point is that the moment could have been cherished more if my expectations and assumptions about the future had been more mature, and if my arrogance had been curbed. And maybe, just maybe, things would have unfolded differently.
Silver Lining
The knowledge of regretful past decisions and actions cuts through the heart like a razor, the bleeding difficult to stop. Yet, even though the twin pairs of ignorance and arrogance are inherent qualities of human nature, it doesn’t prevent the individual from punishing himself harshly for his past decisions. I wonder if this is a subtle form of masochism; the individual derives some sense of pleasure from self-blame because he thinks he deserves it.
I think the coping strategy in such instances is realizing that we live lives driven by needs, desires, hopes, and fears, which we did not author ourselves; our existence is influenced by biological and psychological configurations, as well as cultural values, which shape our beliefs and actions; we are subject to forces over which we have limited control; we are victims of an ignorance that nature has imposed upon us, which is why self-blame is only partially justified. We need to practice more self-care.
Some things cannot be known before the future arrives; before experiences weave themselves into the fabric of the mind. Loss is inevitable. However, loss in life, whatever it is, has the potential to humble and bind a man to his inescapable mortality, making him see more clearly.
In the end, Pamuk’s reflection reminds us that the value of experiences often reveals itself only in hindsight. But we can work on cultivating an awareness and appreciation of the good things in life, of the happy moments and periods we are living through. Good things come to an end, and it is hard to say when or if certain experiences will return before Time reclaims us. By being more aware and cherishing our moments now, we might find that our future selves look back with gratitude rather than regret.
[1] Orhan Pamuk: “The Museum of Innocence”.
[2] Orhan Pamuk: “The Museum of Innocence”.
[3] Dunning-Kruger Effect. (2024, January 24). Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/dunning-kruger-effect
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